'The Crow' review: Goth remake never takes flight

Courtesy of Lionsgate

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There are things in life that are certain: death, taxes, and the dreadful late August movie release calendar. Where all souls (or movies) go to die. Enter 2024’s iteration of “The Crow,” a remake shot two years ago that’s been sitting on a shelf awaiting release after languishing in development hell a decade before that. So it’s not a shocker, Rupert Sanders’ take on the beloved Alex Proyas cult classic, that tragically took the life of Brandon Lee, was veering towards disaster. Still, any patron sitting down in a movie theater and dedicating their time never roots for something to be as stale, wooden, and uninviting as “The Crow” ends up becoming. There’s always a sliver of hope it might amount to something tangible. 

But it’s quite something, when you consider the talent involved, how bland and incoherent 2024’s “The Crow” actually is. A pointless reimagining (the filmmakers don’t like to use the term “remake”) that never establishes the rules of the universe it's creating nor does it invest even an ounce of focus into the central relationship that the entire movie is hinged upon. Not that anyone was clamoring for a remake of “The Crow,” but in this day and age, if you want to make your dark, brooding passion project (which it seems Sanders was yearning for), if you repackage it within the mold of a cheap IP, then you can sort of get away with it. 

Nevertheless, 1994’s “The Crow” stood on its own merits and was held together by a simple, yet effective storyline of revenge. The bloodshed felt earned and the needle drops are far more memorable. The revenge formula shouldn’t be that tough to crack, but writers William Schneider and Zach Baylin never steer the material towards exciting waters and, instead, create a movie that feels like four or five scenes were removed in pre-production. Not to mention peppering the movie with dialogue ripped straight from a CW pilot: “If ever I’m hard to love, love me harder.” Not since Blake Lively’s “wargasms” quip in “Savages” have I cackled so hard in a movie theater. But at least “Savages” knew what it was aiming for. 

The story, of course, follows Eric (a brooding, hulked up Bill Skarsgard) who meets and falls in love with Shelly (singer FKA twigs) in a rehab facility. They bond over drugs and tattoos, and then proceed to become more infatuated with each other via montage. It’s such a speedy, forced set-up that we’re hardly allotted time to see these characters as individuals. I understand giving them this time is a departure from the original, but you’d think Sanders would maybe slow down, smell the flowers, and let things breathe. 

Because, before we know it, the two lovebirds are standing at death’s door, at the behest of a big baddie played by Danny Huston, who apparently has signed some deal with the devil that requires him to make innocent people do very bad things? When the two are killed, Eric comes back from the dead and is on the prowl for those who committed the heinous acts with all the stylistic flourish of a cologne commercial. 

There’s just no pull or gravitas to help get us latched onto the story. Skarsgard and FKA twigs never get the romantic juices flowing in a manner that would make me care about how their story ends. Skarsgard is committed to the role and briefly comes alive during the film's climatic opera massacre, but his one note sulking throughout the movie does little to move the needle. FKA twigs is flat and never makes a convincing argument as to why her death should drive Eric to become this violent, vengeful spirit who dispatches people with a feral tenacity. 

“The Crow” really gets into the weeds on trying to explain the film's supernatural elements as well as Eric and Shelly's lust for each other (aside from how they were brought together by circumstance). Again, nobody walks into a movie wanting it to be a calamity and I truly believe the filmmakers set out to make the best version of this particular film. But sometimes, despite even the best intentions, some ideas should just be left alone. 

Grade: D+ 

THE CROW is now playing in theaters.